I know other people have it much worse than I do. At least I still have a place to live, for now. But what happened to me?
I've stopped reading diaries like this one. They're too depressing. Today I control what media I consume to stave off depression. I now only watch comedies. NPR is no longer the soundtrack to my life, except for Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! I don't watch cable news anymore because I don't have cable anymore. I regularly check I Can Has Cheezburger? and Cute Overload, though now I'm not sure if that's just reminding me of our cat, a stray we took in a couple months ago but which died just last week. And I don't know if the bigger threat now is depression or mindlessness from this morphine drip of numbing entertainment I'm taking in.
I used to enjoy my work as a web developer. But then I was laid off. I tried freelancing and found some luck as a graphic designer. I found a site where small businesses could set up design contests for a logo, and I won about a third of the contests I entered, gaining a few hundred bucks each time. But in September, the people wanting logos for new businesses disappeared. When they began to return, I no longer won. Did I only have beginner's luck? Had I stopped being any good? Now I have to deal with not knowing when or what my next paycheck will be. It's created a permanent state of anxiety. I almost wish for a more absolute unemployment.
I have to borrow money from my parents at the end of each month. I just sent them another embarrassing email a few minutes ago. The terrible thing is that my mother was laid off nearly a year ago and has been unable to find a job. She's submitted so many resumes and been to interview after interview. It makes me all the more stressed about my own prospects. And I feel like I'm leeching off her small unemployment checks, though at least my dad still has work.
What happened to me? How do I get out of this? Isn't there still some way to convert my abilities into rent money?
My bank account stands at negative $300. If my parents come through, I'll use their money to bring my account back into the black. Then I'll overdraft again to pay rent.
I need a pootie.
No. I need liquor.
Actually, I need a job.
And sleep.